Making the Best of Your “Preconception” Phase
The “preconception phase” is what we call the time between deciding to try for a pregnancy and actually starting to try.
It can be a time of hope, anticipation, and careful preparation. But anxiety and isolation can lurk around corners during this period too. It doesn’t get talked about enough!
For people who are in this period (or getting close to it), we want to focus on some of the quirky aspects of what this time can involve. It can be so validating to know that you aren’t alone if you’ve experienced any of these unique characteristics of this in-between period.
We’ll also give you some ideas for making the best of this part of the process!
Let’s start with the quirks of being in preconception mode:
It can feel WEIRD! The combination of feelings that can swirl around at this time is unique. You may experience a feeling of this time being particularly special. These weeks/months of preparation can be filled with a new kind of excitement you may not have experienced before. This is especially common when planning for your first baby. Many people don’t share with most of their loved ones that they have entered into a period like this, so it can also feel secluded (in a good way) and/or isolating.
Other emotions can find their way in too! It’s common to feel a sense of apprehension or anxiety. From this vantage point, it’s still a mystery what your fertility journey will end up looking like or how long it will take. And especially if you have experienced fertility challenges or losses before (or are close to people who have), there may be a heaviness involved with your pre-conception experience. All of these feelings are normal!You may not know how long this phase will last. It can be hard to know when is the “right time” to start trying. And if this will be your first baby, crossing the threshold from preconception mode to conception mode can feel like a huge step! Being in this space of planning and preparation but not knowing exactly how long it will last may feel a little destabilizing. (Again, completely valid!)
You are likely paying a lot more attention to your body than usual. This can involve doing a lot of learning! If you’re starting to track your fertility signs and cycle, you may be spending a surprising amount of time each day paying special attention to what your body is doing. For most people this is a huge change!
You may even be using new body-centered technology like basal body thermometers, ovulation predictor kits, a fertility tracker like Mira or Inito, or a little microscope to look at your saliva. You might even be getting some hormone levels checked just in case. It can be easy to be overwhelmed by all of this self-examination. We have some tips later on in this post if you’re struggling with feeling a bit like a science experiment.You may have started treating your body as if you were already pregnant, even taking prenatal vitamins. Again, this can feel super weird since you aren’t actually pregnant yet! But this aspect of the preconception period can be really lovely. We all deserve to eat in ways that feel nourishing and supportive to our physical and mental health, drink plenty of water (don’t forget electrolytes!), find feel-good ways to move our body regularly, and brush up on our sleep hygiene to make sure we’re getting plenty of high-quality rest.
You might be getting more medical attention these days. There can be many reasons for this: if you already have any fertility concerns, if you’re in your mid/late thirties or beyond, if you’re managing any chronic health conditions, or if you’re just looking for some extra support and preparation. One “preconception counseling visit” with a midwife or OBGYN is recommended, but there are a lot of other ways you may be interacting with the medical system during this time. If you already know you will be proceeding with IUI or IVF, you may also be establishing care with the providers who will support you through that process.
You may also be getting dental concerns taken care of ahead of pregnancy, or working with your providers to figure out if any of your medications need to be transitioned to something that is safe for use in pregnancy. If there are any medical concerns you’ve put off getting testing or treatment for, now may be the time to focus on those. You may also be considering working with additional providers to support your fertility journey: acupuncturists who specialize in reproductive health, functional medicine clinicians, naturopaths, or even massage therapists who specialize in fertility. All these extra appointments can really impact your schedule, on top of the new sensation of putting so much focus on your body and your health.If you will be conceiving with donor sperm and/or eggs, you may be in the donor selection process. Choosing a gamete donor is a huge decision! And as we’ve said before for almost all the other items on this list so far, it’s normal for this to bring up all kinds of emotions.
If you will be using a known donor, you may be getting logistics in order and finishing up any testing you wanted to do (both for yourself and your donor). If you are using an anonymous (or open ID through a fertility bank) donor, you may be selecting your donor from their registry, completing DNA carrier screenings, registering as a client at the cryobank, and learning more about the logistical process of using donor gametes. Again, lots of big steps here!You may be thinking about money and budgeting more than normal. From immediate additions to your budget like medical expenses or supplements, to services or supplies you may want during pregnancy, to the financial reality of adding a new person to your family, there is definitely a lot to plan for here.
If you’re using donor sperm or eggs and/or if you’re moving forward with IUI or IVF, there can be a lot of extra expenses involved. It’s so unfortunate that in the US planning for a baby usually means a lot of financial sacrifices, and you may be having big feelings (and big stress) about that right now too.
There is so much going on during this time that is unseen by others. It can be tough to be in this transitional space without much outside support!
Here are our favorite tips for making the best of this quirky time in your life:
Everyone says stress relief is important for fertility, but this can be SO HARD! We encourage you to find 1-2 practical daily rituals that feel supportive for your nervous system. Some ideas:
A leisurely morning and/or evening walk
Incorporating a few minutes of mindfulness practice in the morning
Swapping some evening TV time for reading instead (is your to-be-read list as long as ours is?)
Avoid doom-scrolling
Some body care that feels really nice to do - a slow bath/shower, a foot soak with Epsom salts, a face mask, cuticle moisturizing, using a moisturizing oil
Drinking an herbal infusion geared toward fertility support
Some people like to set up a little “altar” area in their home dedicated to their future baby/babies. You can collect items that feel special or hopeful in relation to welcoming your future child. You can keep fresh flowers or a plant in the area, maybe add a few little baby items you’ve already collected, etc.
You can spend a few minutes in this area each day. Maybe light a candle, focus on your intentions for becoming a parent, or just take a minute or two to take some deep breaths in the presence of your “baby altar”.If you are partnered, make it a point to spend some extra time together during the preconception period if possible. It can be busy, stressful (even though you are “supposed” to reduce stress), and distracting to be thinking about all of this on top of your normal life. Be intentional about spending time doing things that help you feel connected and grounded in your relationship, setting the foundation for your soon-to-be-growing family.
If tracking your fertility signs in a bunch of different ways is feeling overwhelming, start small. Begin with one or two things for one cycle and get in the habit of doing them each day. Then add another one for the next cycle, then another for the next, and so on. Don’t feel like you need to jump into all of this at the same time!
Some people start to feel like they’re a science experiment with all the new focus on tracking fertility signs. If you relate to this feeling, try to see each of these things as another step closer to welcoming your little one. It sounds a little “woo”, but it really can make a big difference!
If you have the time and energy, it’s not too early to start thinking forward to your pregnancy, birth, and postpartum experiences. You can consider what kind of provider you’d like to work with (hospital OBs or midwives, a freestanding birth center, or a home birth midwife). Maybe you can even start checking out local doulas! We love hearing from folks who are in the planning stages - it’s never too early to make connections and see who you click with!
Check out some books if you’re looking for more info to support you along the way:
It Starts with the Egg (especially useful for folks planning IVF)
Real Food for Fertility (content warning for people with a history of disordered eating)
For queer folks:
Baby Making for Everybody (focus on LGBTQ+ and solo parents)
One of the authors hosts an online support group for queer folks and solo parents/parents-to-be and folks in the pre-conception period are welcome to join!
The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth (an older book with some outdated language, but very approachable and easy to read)
Queer Conception (a newer book with updated info/language)
Remember that you deserve support during this important time! If you aren’t already working with a therapist, we highly recommend finding one who is familiar with the changes and challenges the preconception period can bring. Even just having an appointment every couple weeks can be so helpful while you’re in this transitional time on the road to parenthood.
